How to behave men after sex
Share this articleShareIts not just a question of avoiding the inevitable row over the worth it factor of a pair of killer heels, but of holding something back in order to maintain a sense of emotional independence, and to balance out the power we might feel our partner has in other aspects of the relationship.A recent survey by a leading building society also found that women are much more likely than men to have a secret account with money their partner knows nothing about.My mother always used to say that you should never tell a man everything, says Clare, 38, and I thought it was rubbish. I believed in total honesty.But now I agree with her. Why explain yourself over every little thing? Why have a huge row over something he neednt even know about? I never tell him about my girlfriends secrets, because hed be judgmental and disapproving.Women are better liars because theyre more psychologically sophisticatedI dont have a secret account, but Im not completely honest about how much money I spend. If he doesnt know, he doesnt miss it.Harmless? Maybe. But its easy to see how a climate of withholding and keeping smaller secrets can easily lead to bigger ones.Women are better liars because theyre more psychologically sophisticated, says Dr Holmes. You can argue about whether its nature or nurture, but women are programmed to be much more relationship and people orientated than men.Emotionally, they make plans and have strategies, while men are more impulsive.From a young age, he says, women will start to consider the kind of life they want, what kind of job or house they aspire to, how many children theyd like and what kind of partner.Most men dont really develop that facility until theyre much older. They live, psychologically, in the moment, while women think around corners and two steps ahead.Hillary stood by Bill Clinton when he had an affair, if it had been the other way around, would he have done the same?Were also better at mental multitasking. You can keep all the different strands of a lie in your minds, remember them and make them convincing.Men lie, too, but they are much more likely to forget something, or make a mistake and get caught out.When men have affairs, he says, they tend to be bigger risktakers and nave about how obvious their cheating is to an emotionally astute partner. They will also be bursting to tell someone about it.Men have more trophy affairs than women. They will often want to brag about it, or be so taken up by the sexual thrill of the affair that their behaviour is a giveaway.Women, on the other hand, are much more cool and rational, even when theyre in the grip of passion.Its a myth that theyre more romantic. They may confide in one or two very close women friends, but they compartmentalise their emotional lives and dont let the affair bleed into the rest of their lives.Like Farrah Fawcett, a former colleague of mine, Susan, now 50, had a longterm affair with Brian, a salesman she met, ironically enough, when she was buying her husband a car as a surprise 40th birthday present.I was clear from the start that Id never leave my husband and family. Brian kept me sane during some of the tougher years of my marriage, but he was strictly for snatched afternoons off and the odd working weekend away, she says.Susan adds: We made each other laugh and our sex life was wonderful. But Brian was a permanent manchild a great lover, but not the kind of man youd marry.He was always overdrawn, always teetering on the edge of some crisis that hed just laugh off. I never wanted to live with him.The affair ended amicably after eight years, with her husband none the wiser.Cheating is never pretty, but lying about it doesnt necessarily make it worse. Often, our lies are meant to shield our partners and families from pain. We tell ourselves that if nobody knows, nobody gets hurt.Dr Holmes says: Often, women keep the secret because theyre much more conscious of how much there is to lose, and to protect the other people involved. If she has children, shell be especially careful that they arent hurt in any way by the knowledge of what shes doing.If you asked unfaithful men if they think their wives or girlfriends have had affairs, too, they will be shocked at the very thoughtLike my friend Juliet, who has become so good at lying to her husband that she surprises even herself.Adrian and I have drifted apart, but hes a nice man, a good father. He doesnt deserve to be hurt, and I have no intention of letting my son grow up without his father.Biologically, too, women are programmed to be more careful about revealing an infidelity.In purely evolutionary terms, men are programmed to sleep with lots of women, and women are programmed to attract and retain a quality mate.Dr Holmes adds: She will be very canny and keep her options open until she decides which of the men she is going to choose.Another reason women lie more about their affairs is simply that they can get away with it.Historically, a man has put a higher value on the fidelity of his woman because he needs to be sure that any children she has are really his.This seems to produce a strange kind of emotional blindness in many men, once theyve selected a partner to settle down with.Whenever we question men about fidelity, says Dr Holmes, they will very often admit to their affairs.But if you then ask the same men if they think their wives or girlfriends have had affairs, too, they will be shocked at the very thought, or laugh and call it ridiculous.In other words, men want to think women dont cheat, and women want men to think they dont cheat. No wonder were better at secret affairs.Share or comment on this articleMost watched News videos
INDYLIFENew sex robots with frigid settings allow men to simulate rapeA survey published by UK innovation company Nesta last June, found that over a quarter of young people surveyed would happily date a robotAccording to the companys website, if you touch the Frigid Farrah model in a private area, more than likely, she will not be to appreciative of your advance.Wednesday 19 July 2017 11:44 BSTClick to followIndyLifeIt seems a new frontier has been reached in the fastpaced world of Artificial Intelligence , but asfast as technology is able to advance, it can still be reproached formoral retrogression.This has been the subject of debate after therecentadvertisement of Roxxxy TrueCompanion,a robot you can buy and simulate rapingwitha simple switch in setting.One of theprogrammable personalities for the robot is Frigid Farrah, described as reserved and shy onthe TrueCompanion company website. Like Wild Wendy and S M Susan whose characteristics are selfascribed, the website says that for Frigid Farrah, if you touch her in a private area, more than likely, she will not be to appreciative of your advance.In the websites description, themodellacks anattempt to reproduceconsent in the real worldand thecompany say that theirrobots allow everyone to realise their most private sexual dreams.Suicidal robot security guard drowns itself by driving into pondAnotherprogrammed personality that has been heavily criticised is that of Young Yoko who is described by the website as: oh so young (barely 18) and waiting for you to teach her.Roxxxy is the 9th version of the companys sex robots after they developed their first Trudy in the 1990s and the trade in sex robots has already caught on. The New York Times reports that a Californiabased company Abyss Creations annually ships up to 600 hyperrealistic sex dolls worldwide.A new report from the Foundation for Responsible Robotics also warns of the numerous ethical implications in our sexual future with robots.We found that there were a bunch of companies making these and beginning to ship orders and we thought that we should really look at it, said coauthor of the report and AI Professor Noel Sharkey addressing journalists on Tuesday.Read moreArtificial intelligence is learning to be racistA survey published by UK innovation company Nesta last June,found that over a quarter of young people surveyed would happily date a robot.Prof Sharkey launched the Foundation 18 months ago in order to explorecontroversial areas such asthe questions surroundinghowrobots can impact sex crimes.Some people say its better they rape robots than rape real people. There are other people saying this would just encourage rapists more, Prof Sharkey explained .Robots dont have any kind of emotion themselves. People bond with robots but its very one way. Youre loving an artefact that cant love you back and thats whats sad about it, Prof Sharkey added.Laura Bates, campaigner and founder of the Everyday Sexism Project , condemned the Frigid Farrahproductin the New York Times writing:rape is not an act of sexual passion. It is a violent crime.We should no more be encouraging rapists to find a supposedly safe outlet for it than we should facilitate murderers by giving them realistic, bloodspurting dummies to stab, Ms Bates added.Every time Elliot was Mr. Robot in season one without knowing itEvery time Elliot was Mr. Robot in season one without knowing it15When Elliot caused a scene at the coffee shop and it was revealed that he was choking himself.USAWhen it was revealed that Mr. Robot has been working with Tyrell Wellick.USAWhen Elliot pushed Mr. Robot out the window at his childhood home.USAWhen Mr. Robot pushed Elliot over the railing at Evil Corp.USAWhen Mr. Robot hacked Evil Corp and infected the server so Elliot would find him.USAThe True Companion robots raise the issue of therepercussions ofnormalisingsexual crime. In Ms Bates view, the companys products muddyand worsenthe still muchmisunderstood areaof consent.A representative from True Companion told The Independent: We absolutely agree with Laura Bates...Roxxxyis simply not programmed to participate in a rape scenario and the fact that she is, is pure conjecture on the part of others.You would not immediately passionately kiss a person that you just met on your first date. Likewise, Frigid Farrahwould also tell you that she just met you if you try to move too quickly, the companys representative said.Rape simply isnt an interaction that Roxxxysupports, nor is it something that our customers are requesting, the representative added.By contrast, Ms Bates wrote:Their creators are selling far more than an inanimate sex aid. They are effectively reproducing real women, complete with everything, except autonomy.More about:
Home Publications Research Reports Substance Use in Women Sex and Gender Differences in Substance UseSubstance Use in WomenSex and Gender Differences in Substance UseMen are more likely than women to use almost all types of illicit drugs (SAMHSA, 2014), and illicit drug use is more likely to result in emergency department visits or overdose deaths for men than for women. Illicit refers to use of illegal drugs, including marijuana (according to federal law) and misuse of prescription drugs. For most age groups, men have higher rates of use or dependence on illicit drugs and alcohol than do women (TEDS, 2012). However, women are just as likely as men to become addicted (Anthony et al., 1994). In addition, women may be more susceptible to craving (Robbins et al., 1999 Hitschfeld et al., 2015 Fox et al., 2014 Kennedy et al., 2013) and relapse (Kippin et al., 2005 Rubonis et al., 1994), which are key phases of the addiction cycle. Women of color may face unique issues with regard to drug use and treatment needs. For example, AfricanAmerican and American IndianAlaska Native women are more likely than women of other racial and ethnic groups to be victims of rape, physical violence, and stalking by an intimate partner in their lifetimeissues that are risk factors for substance use and should be addressed during treatment. More information can be found in Women of Color: Health Data Book (ORWHNIH),(PDF, 2.5MB) .Research has shown that women often use drugs differently, respond to drugs differently, and can have unique obstacles to effective treatment as simple as not being able to find child care or being prescribed treatment that has not been adequately tested on women.Illegal DrugsMarijuana (Cannabis)Similarly to other addictive drugs, fewer females than males use marijuana (SAMHSA, 2014). For females who do use marijuana, however, the effects can be different than for male users. Research indicates that marijuana impairs spatial memory in women more than it does in men (Makela et al., 2006 Pope et al., 1997). However, males show a greater marijuanainduced high (Haney, 2007 Penetar et al., 2005). Male high school students who smoke marijuana report poor family relationships and problems at school more often than female students who smoke marijuana (Butters, 2005). In contrast, animal studies show that female rats are more sensitive to the rewarding (Fattore et al., 2007 Craft et al., 2013), painrelieving (Craft et al., 2012 Romero et al., 2002 Tseng Craft, 2001), and activityaltering (Tseng Craft, 2001 Craft et al., 2012 Wiley, 2003) effects of marijuanas main active ingredient delta9tetrahydrocannabinol (THC). Many of these differences have been attributed to the effects of sex hormones (Fattore et al., 2007 Craft Leitl, 2008 Craft et al., 2012 Fattore et al., 2010 Winsauer et al., 2011), although rodent research also points to the possibility that there are sex differences in the functioning of the endocannabinoid system, the system of brain signaling where THC and other cannabinoids exert their actions (KrebsKraft et al., 2010 Craft et al., 2013). A few studies have suggested that teenage girls who use marijuana may have a higher risk of brain structural abnormalities as a result of regular marijuana exposure than teenage boys (Medina et al., 2009 McQueeny et al., 2011).For both sexes, addiction to marijuana is associated with an increased risk of at least one other mental health issue, such as depression or anxiety. However, men who are addicted to marijuana have higher rates of other substance use problems as well as antisocial personality disorders. By contrast, women who are addicted to marijuana have more panic attacks (Thomas, 1996) and anxiety disorders (Buckner et al., 2012 Buckner et al., 2006). Although the severity of cannabis use disorders is generally higher for men, women tend to develop these disorders more quickly after their first marijuana use (HernandezAvila et al., 2004). Rates of seeking treatment for marijuana addiction are low for both sexes (Khan et al., 2013).Cannabis Use DisorderAt least one other mental health disorderLow rate of seeking treatmentDifferencesStimulants (Cocaine and Methamphetamine)Research in both humans and animals suggests that women may be more vulnerable to the reinforcing (rewarding) effects of stimulants, with estrogen possibly being one factor for this increased sensitivity (Evans Foltin, 2006 Justice de Wit, 2000 Justice de Wit, 1999 Anker Carroll, 2011). In animal studies, females are quicker to start taking cocaineand take it in larger amountsthan males. Women may also be more sensitive than men to cocaines effects on the heart and blood vessels. In contrast, female and male cocaine users show similar deficits in learning, concentration, and academic achievement as a result of cocaine use, even if women had been using it longer. Female cocaine users are also less likely than male users to exhibit abnormalities of blood flow in the brains frontal regions. These findings suggest a sexrelated mechanism that may protect women from some of the damage cocaine inflicts on the brain (NIDA Notes, 2000).Although some women report using methamphetamine to control weight, any effort to enhance physical appearance will disappear over time with the extensive physical damage caused to the skin and teeth. Women also report using methamphetamine because they believe it will increase energy and decrease exhaustion associated with work, home care, child care, and family responsibilities (Cretzmeyer et al., 2003 Brecht et al., 2004). Women who use methamphetamine also have high rates of cooccurring depression (Hser et al., 2005 Zweben et al., 2004 Rawson et al., 2005 Dluzen Liu, 2008).Source: Brecht et al., 2004Women tend to begin using methamphetamine at an earlier age than do men (Brecht et al., 2004 Hser et al., 2005), with female users typically more dependent on methamphetamine compared to male users (Rawson et al., 2005 Kim Fendrich, 2002). Women are also less likely to switch to another drug when they lack access to methamphetamine (Brecht et al., 2004). In addition, women tend to be more receptive than men to methamphetamine treatment (Lin et al., 2004 Brecht et al., 2004 Hser et al., 2005 Dluzen Liu, 2008).MDMA (Ecstasy, Molly)Research suggests that MDMA produces stronger hallucinatory effects in women compared to men, although men show higher MDMAinduced blood pressure increases (Liechti et al., 2001). There is some evidence that, in occasional users, women are more prone than men to feeling depressed a few days after they last used MDMA (Verheyden et al., 2002). Both men and women show similar increases in aggression a few days after they stop using MDMA (Verheyden et al., 2002 Hoshi et al., 2006).Research suggests that MDMA produces stronger hallucinatory effects in women compared to men.MDMA can interfere with the bodys ability to eliminate water and decrease sodium levels in the blood, causing a person to drink large amounts of fluid. In rare cases, this can lead to increased water in the spaces between cells, which may eventually produce swelling of the brain and even death. Young women are more likely than men to die from this reactionwith almost all reported cases of death occurring in young females between the ages of 15 and 30 (Campbell Rosner, 2008 Moritz et al., 2013). MDMA can also interfere with temperature regulation and cause acute hyperthermia leading to neurotoxic effects and even death (MDMA can be fatal in warm environments, 2014).HeroinCompared with men, women who use heroin are:youngerlikely to use smaller amounts and for a shorter timeless likely to inject the drugmore influenced by drugusing sexual partnersResearch suggests that women tend to use smaller amounts of heroin and for less time, and are less likely than men to inject it (Powis et al., 1996). Most women who inject heroin point to social pressure and sexual partner encouragement as factors (Bryant et al., 2010 Lum et al., 2005 Dwyer et al., 1994 Powis et al., 1996). One study indicates that women are more at risk than men for overdose death during the first few years of injecting heroin. It is unclear why this might be the case. One possibility is that women who inject heroin are more likely than their male counterparts to also use prescription drugsa dangerous combination. Women who do not overdose within these first few years are more likely than men to survive in the long term. This could be due to differences in treatment and other environmental factors that impact heroin use (Gjersing BrettevilleJensen, 2014).Prescription DrugsPrescription drug misuse is the use of a medication without a prescription, in a way other than as prescribed, or for the experience or feelings elicited. Prescription drugs can also be dangerous if mixed together without a physicians guidance, or mixed with other drugs or alcohol.Pain Relievers (Opioids)Some research indicates that women are more sensitive to pain than men (Riley et al., 1998) and more likely to have chronic pain (Gerdle et al., 2008), which could contribute to the high rates of opioid prescriptions among women of reproductive age (Ailes et al., 2015). In addition, women may be more likely to take prescription opioids without a prescription to cope with pain, even when men and women report similar pain levels. Research also suggests that women are more likely to misuse prescription opioids to selftreat for other problems such as anxiety or tension (McHugh et al., 2013).A possible consequence of prescription opioid misuse is fatal overdose, which can occur because opioids suppress breathing. From 1999 to 2010, deaths from prescription pain reliever overdoses increased more rapidly for women (400 percent) than for men (265 percent) (CDC Vital Signs, 2013). In 2010, about 18 women per day (New CDC Vital Signs, 2013) compared to about 27 men (Mack et al., 2013) died from overdosing on prescription pain relievers. Women between the ages of 45 and 54 are more likely than women of other age groups to die from a prescription pain reliever overdose (CDC Vital Signs, 2013).AntiAnxiety Medications and Sleeping AidsWomen are more likely to seek treatment for misuse of barbiturates (TEDS, 2012), which includes sedatives sometimes prescribed to treat seizures, sleep disorders, and anxiety, and to help people fall asleep prior to surgery. Women are also more likely than men to die from overdoses of medicines for mental health conditions, like antidepressants. Antidepressants and benzodiazepines (antianxiety or sleep drugs) send more women than men to emergency departments (CDC Vital Signs, 2013). Because women are also more at risk than men for anxiety (Anxiety Disorders, n.d.), depression (NIMH, 2009), and insomnia (NHLBI, 1997), it is possible that women are being prescribed more of these types of medications greater access can increase the risk of misuse and lead to addiction or overdose.Other SubstancesAlcoholIn general, men have higher rates of alcohol use, including binge drinking. However, teens are an exception: Teen boys and girls are similar in rates of current drinking (SAMHSA, 2014).Drinking over the long term is more likely to damage a womans health than a mans, even if the woman has been drinking less alcohol or for a shorter length of time (Holman et al., 1996 Piazza et al., 1989). Comparing people with alcohol use disorders, women have death rates 50 to 100 percent higher than do men, including deaths from suicides, alcoholrelated accidents, heart disease, stroke, and liver disease (NIAAA, 2008). In addition, there are some health risks that are unique to female drinkers. For example, heavy drinking is associated with increased risk of having unprotected sex, resulting in pregnancy or disease (Rehm et al., 2012), and an increased risk of becoming a victim of violence and sexual assault. In addition, drinking as little as one drink per day can slightly raise the risk of breast cancer in some women, especially those who are postmenopausal or have a family history of breast cancer (NIAAA, 2008).In addition, men and women metabolize alcohol differently due to differences in gastric tissue activity. In fact, after drinking comparable amounts of alcohol, women have higher blood ethanol concentrations (Frezza et al., 1990 NIAAA, 1999 NIAAA, 2008 Lieber, 2000). As a result, women become intoxicated from smaller quantities of alcohol than men (NIAAA, 1999).Source: NIAAA (Is your drinking pattern risky?)More information on sex and gender differences in alcohol use is available from NIAAA.Nicotine (Tobacco)Research indicates that men and women differ in their smoking behaviors. For instance, women smoke fewer cigarettes per day, tend to use cigarettes with lower nicotine content, and do not inhale as deeply as men (Melikian, 2007). Women also may smoke for different reasons than men, including regulation of mood and stress (Cosgrove et al., 2014). It is unclear whether these differences in smoking behaviors are because women are more sensitive to nicotine, because they find the sensations associated with smoking less rewarding, or because of social factors contributing to the difference some research also suggests women may experience more stress and anxiety as a result of nicotine withdrawal than men (Torres ODell, 2015).Risk of death from smokingassociated lung cancer, chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, heart disease, and stroke continues to increase among womenapproaching rates for men (Thun et al., 2013). According to data collected from 2005 to 2009, approximately 201,000 women die each year due to factors related to smokingcompared to about 278,000 men (Smoking Tobacco Use, 2014). Some dangers associated with smokingsuch as blood clots, heart attack, or strokeincrease in women using oral contraceptives (Farley et al., 1998).The number of smokers in the United States declined in the 1970s and 1980s, remained relatively stable throughout the 1990s, and declined further through the early 2000s. Because this decline in smoking was greater among men than women, the prevalence of smoking is only slightly higher for men today than it is for women. Several factors appear to be contributing to this narrowing gender gap, including women being less likely than men to quit and more likely to relapse if they do quit (Piper et al., 2010).Source: CDC, 2014ReferencesReferencesAiles EC, Dawson AL, Lind JN, et al (from Centers for Disease Control and Prevention). Opioid prescription claims among women of reproductive ageUnited States, 20082012. MMWR Morb and Mortal Wkly Rep. 201564(2)3741.Anker JJ, Carroll ME. Females are more vulnerable to drug abuse than males: evidence from preclinical studies and the role of ovarian hormones. Curr Top Behav Neurosci. 20118:7396.Anthony JC, Warner LA, Kessler RC. Comparative epidemiology of dependence on tobacco, alcohol, controlled substances, and inhalants: basic findings from the National Comorbidity Survey. Exp Clin Psychopharmacol. 19942(3):244268.Anxiety Disorders. National Institute of Mental Health. www.nimh.nih.govhealthtopicsanxietydisordersindex.shtml . Accessed July 7, 2015.Brecht ML, OBrien A, von Mayrhauser C, Anglin MD. Methamphetamine use behaviors and gender differences. Addict Behav. 200429(1):89106.Bryant J, Brener L, Hull P, Treloar C. Needle sharing in regular sexual relationships: an examination of serodiscordance, drug using practices, and the gendered character of injecting. Drug Alcohol Depend. 2010107(23):182187.Buckner JD, Heimberg RG, Schneier FR, Liu SM, Wang S, Blanco C. The relationship between cannabis use disorders and social anxiety disorder in the National Epidemiological Study of Alcohol and Related Conditions (NESARC). Drug Alcohol Depend. 2012124(12):128134.Buckner JD, Mallott MA, Schmidt NB, Taylor J. Peer influence and gender differences in problematic cannabis use among individuals with social anxiety. J Anxiety Disord. 200620(8):10871102.Butters JE. Promoting healthy choices: the importance of differentiating between ordinary and high risk cannabis use among highschool students. Subst Use Misuse. 200540(6):845855.Campbell GA, Rosner MH. The agony of ecstasy: MDMA (3,4methylenedioxymethamphetamine) and the kidney. Clin J Am Soc Nephrol. 20083(6):18521860.CDC Vital Signs: Prescription Painkiller Overdoses: A growing epidemic, especially among women. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. www.cdc.govvitalsignsprescriptionpainkilleroverdosesindex.html . Reviewed July 2, 2013. Accessed July 7, 2015.Center for Behavioral Health Statistics and Quality, Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, Treatment Episode Data Set (TEDS). Substance Abuse Treatment Admissions by Primary Substance of Abuse, According to Sex, Age Group, Race, and Ethnicity, Year 2012, United States. wwwdasis.samhsa.govwebtquicklinkUS12.htm . Accessed July 7, 2015.Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). The Health Consequences of Smoking50 Years of Progress: A Report of the Surgeon General. Atlanta, GA: U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, National Center for Chronic Disease Prevention and Health Promotion, Office on Smoking and Health, 2014.Cosgrove KP, Wang S, Kim SJ, et al. Sex differences in the brains dopamine signature of cigarette smoking. J Neurosci. 201434(50):1685116855.Craft RM, Leitl MD. Gonadal hormone modulation of the behavioral effects of 9tetrahydrocannabinol in male and female rats. Eur J Pharmacol. 2008578(1):3742.Craft RM, Marusich JA, Wiley JL. Sex differences in cannabinoid pharmacology: a reflection of differences in the endocannabinoid system? Life Sci. 201392(89):476481.Craft RM, Wakley AA, Tsutsui KT, Laggart JD. Sex differences in cannabinoid 1 vs. cannabinoid 2 receptorselective antagonism of antinociception produced by 9tetrahydrocannabinol and CP55,940 in the rat. J Pharmacol Exp Ther. 2012340(3):787800.Cretzmeyer M, Sarrazin MV, Huber DL, Block RI, Hall JA. Treatment of methamphetamine abuse: research findings and clinical directions. J Subst Abuse Treat. 200324(3):267277.Dluzen DE, Liu B. Gender differences in methamphetamine use and responses: a review. Gend Med. 20085(1):2435.Dwyer R, Richardson D, Ross MW, Wodak A, Miller ME, Gold J. A comparison of HIV risk between women and men who inject drugs. AIDS Educ Prev. 19946(5):379389.Evans SM, Foltin RW. Exogenous progesterone attenuates the subjective effects of smoked cocaine in women, but not in men. Neuropsychopharmacology. 200631(3):659674.Farley TM, Meirik O, Chang CL, Poulter NR. Combined oral contraceptives, smoking, and cardiovascular risk. J Epidemiol Community Health. 199852(12):775785.Fattore L, Spano MS, Altea S, Angius F, Fadda P, Fratta W. Cannabinoid selfadministration in rats: sex differences and the influence of ovarian function. Br J Pharmacol. 2007152(5):795804.Fattore L, Spano MS, Altea S, Fadda P, Fratta W. Drug and cueinduced reinstatement of cannabinoidseeking behaviour in male and female rats: influence of ovarian hormones. Br J Pharmacol. 2010160(3):724735.Fox HC, Morgan PT, Sinha R. Sex differences in guanfacine effects on drug craving and stress arousal in cocainedependent individuals. Neuropsychopharmacology. 201439:15271537.Frezza M, di Padova C, Pozzato G, Terpin M, Baraona E, Lieber CS. High blood alcohol levels in women the role of decreased gastric alcohol dehydrogenase activity and firstpass metabolism. N Engl J Med. 1990322(2):9599.Gerdle B, Bjrk J, Cster L, Henriksson KG, Henriksson C, Bengtsson A. Prevalence of widespread pain and associations with work status: a population study. BMC Musculoskelet Disord. 20089:102.Gjersing L, BrettevilleJensen AL. Gender differences in mortality and risk factors in a 13year cohort study of streetrecruited injecting drug users. BMC Public Health. 201414:440.Haney M. Opioid antagonism of cannabinoid effects: differences between marijuana smokers and nonmarijuana smokers. Neuropsychopharmacology. 200732:13911403.HernandezAvila CA, Rounsaville BJ, Kranzler HR. Opioid, cannabis and alcoholdependent women show more rapid progression to substance abuse treatment. Drug Alcohol Depend. 200474(3):265272.Hitschfeld MJ, Schneekloth TD, Ebbert JO, et al. Female smokers have the highest alcohol craving in a residential alcoholism treatment cohort. Drug Alcohol Depend. 2015150:179182.Holman CD, English DR, Milne E, Winter MG. Metaanalysis of alcohol and allcause mortality: a validation of NHMRC recommendations. Med J Aust. 1996164(3):141145.Hoshi R, Pratt H, Mehta S, Bond AJ, Curran HV. An investigation into the subacute effects of ecstasy on aggressive interpretative bias and aggressive mood are there gender differences? J Psychopharmacol. 200620(2):291301.Hser YI, Evans E, Huang YC. Treatment outcomes among women and men methamphetamine abusers in California. J Subst Abuse Treat. 200528(1):7785.Is your drinking pattern risky? Whats lowrisk drinking? Rethinking Drinking: Alcohol and your health. National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism. www.rethinkingdrinking.niaaa.nih.govIsYourDrinking PatternRiskyWhatsLowRiskDrinking.asp . Accessed July 7, 2015.Justice AJ, de Wit H. Acute effects of damphetamine during the early and late follicular phases of the menstrual cycle in women. Pharmacol Biochem Behav. 200066(3):509515.Justice AJ, de Wit H. Acute effects of damphetamine during the follicular and luteal phases of the menstrual cycle in women. Psychopharmacology (Berl). 1999145(1):6775.Kennedy AP, Epstein DH, Phillips KA, Preston KL. Sex differences in cocaineheroin users: druguse triggers and craving in daily life. Drug Alcohol Depend. 2013132(0):2937.Khan SS, SecadesVilla R, Okuda M, et al. Gender differences in cannabis use disorders: results from the National Epidemiologic Survey of Alcohol and Related Conditions. Drug Alcohol Depend. 2013130(13):101108.Kim JY, Fendrich M. Gender differences in juvenile arrestees drug use, selfreported dependence, and perceived need for treatment. Psychiatr Serv. 200253(1):7075.Kippin TE, Fuchs RA, Mehta RH, et al. Potentiation of cocaineprimed reinstatement of drug seeking in female rats during estrus. Psychopharmacology (Berl). 2005182(2):245252.KrebsKraft DL, Hill MN, Hillard CJ, McCarthy MM. Sex difference in cell proliferation in developing rat amygdala mediated by endocannabinoids has implications for social behavior. Proc Natl Acad Sci U S A. 2010107(47):2053520540.Lieber CS. Ethnic and gender differences in ethanol metabolism. Alcohol Clin Exp Res. 200024(4):417418.Liechti ME, Gamma A, Vollenweider FX. Gender differences in the subjective effects of MDMA. Psychopharmacology (Berl). 2001154(2):161168.Lin SK, Ball D, Hsiao CC, Chiang YL, Ree SC, Chen CK. Psychiatric comorbidity and gender differences of persons incarcerated for methamphetamine abuse in Taiwan. Psychiatry Clin Neurosci. 200458(2):206212.Lum PJ, Sears C, Guydish J. Injection risk behavior among women syringe exchangers in San Francisco. Subst Use Misuse. 200540(11):16811696.Mack KA, Jones CM, Paulozzi LJ. Vital Signs: overdoses of prescription opioid pain relievers and other drugs among women United States, 19992010. Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report. 201362(26):537542.Makela P, Wakeley J, Gijsman H, Robson PJ, Bhagwagar Z, Rogers RD. Low doses of 9tetrahydrocannabinol (THC) have divergent effects on shortterm spatial memory in young, healthy adults. Neuropsychopharmacology. 200631:462470.McHugh RK, DeVito EE, Dodd D, et al. Gender differences in a clinical trial for prescription opioid dependence. J Subst Abuse Treat. 201345(1):3843.McQueeny T, Padula CB, Price J, Medina KL, Logan P, Tapert SF. Gender effects on amygdala morphometry in adolescent marijuana users. Behav Brain Res. 2011224(1):128134.MDMA can be fatal in warm environments news release. Rockville, MD: National Institute on Drug Abuse June 3, 2014. www.drugabuse.govnewseventsnewsreleases201406mdmacanbefatalinwarmenvironments . Accessed July 7, 2015.Medina KL, McQueeny T, Nagel BJ, Hanson KL, Yang TT, Tapert SF. Imaging Study: Prefrontal cortex morphometry in abstinent adolescent marijuana users: subtle gender effects. Addict Biol. 200914(4):457468.Melikian AA, Djordevic MV, Hosey J, et al. Gender differences relative to smoking behavior and emissions of toxins from mainstream cigarette smoke. Nicotine Tob Res. 20079(3):377387.Moritz ML, KalantarZadeh K, Ayus JC. Ecstacyassociated hyponatremia: why are women at risk? Nephrol Dial Transplant. 201328(9):22062209.National Heart, Lung, and Blood Institute (NHLBI). Problem Sleepiness in Your Patient. Bethesda, MD: National Institutes of Health 1997. NIH Publication No. 974073.National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH). Women and Depression: Discovering Hope. Bethesda, MD: National Institutes of Health 2009. NIH Publication No. 094779.National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA). Alcohol: A Womens Health Issue. Bethesda, MD: National Institutes of Health 2008. NIH Publication No. 034956.National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA). Are women more vulnerable to alcohols effects? Alcohol Alert. Rockville, MD: National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism 1999.New CDC Vital Signs: Prescription Painkiller Epidemic Among Women press release. Atlanta, GA: Centers for Disease Control and Prevention December 16, 2013. www.cdc.govmediadpk2013dpkPrescription20drug20overdose.html . Accessed July 7, 2015.NIDA Notes: Gender Differences in Drug Abuse Risks and Treatment. National Institute on Drug Abuse. http:archives.drugabuse.govNIDANotesNNVol15N4Tearoff.html . Published September 2000. Accessed July 7, 2015.Penetar DM, Kouri EM, Gross MM, et al. Transdermal nicotine alters some of marihuanas effects in male and female volunteers. Drug Alcohol Depend. 200579(2):211223.Piazza NJ, Vrbka JL, Yeager RD. Telescoping of alcoholism in women alcoholics. Int J Addict. 198924(1):1928.Piper ME, Cook JW, Schlam TR, et al. Gender, race, and education differences in abstinence rates among participants in two randomized smoking cessation trials. Nicotine Tob Res. 201012(6):647657.Pope HG Jr, Jacobs A, Mialet JP, YurgelunTodd D, Gruber S. Evidence for a sexspecific residual effect of cannabis on visuospatial memory. Psychother Psychosom. 199766(4):179184.Powis B, Griffiths P, Gossop M, Strang J. The differences between male and female drug users: community samples of heroin and cocaine users compared. Subst Use Misuse. 199631(5):529543.Rawson RA, Gonzales R, Obert JL, McCann MJ, Brethen P. Methamphetamine use among treatmentseeking adolescents in Southern California: participant characteristics and treatment response. J Subst Abuse Treat. 200529(2):6774.Rehm J, Shield KD, Joharchi N, Shuper PA. Alcohol consumption and the intention to engage in unprotected sex: systematic review and metaanalysis of experimental studies. Addiction. 2012107(1):5159.Riley JL III, Robinson ME, Wise EA, Myers CD, Fillingim RB. Sex differences in the perception of noxious experimental stimuli: a metaanalysis. Pain. 199874(23):181187.Robbins SJ, Ehrman RN, Childress AR, OBrien CP. Comparing levels of cocaine cue reactivity in male and female outpatients. Drug Alcohol Depend. 199953(3):223230.Romero EM, Fernndez B, Sagredo O, et al. Antinociceptive, behavioural and neuroendocrine effects of CP 55,940 in young rats. Brain Res Dev Brain Res. 2002136(2):8592.Rubonis AV, Colby SM, Monti PM, Rohsenow DJ, Gulliver SB, Sirota AD. Alcohol cue reactivity and mood induction in male and female alcoholics. J Stud Alcohol. 199455(4):487494.Smoking Tobacco Use: TobaccoRelated Mortality. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. www.cdc.govtobaccodatastatisticsfactsheetshealtheffectstobaccorelatedmortality . Reviewed November 21, 2014. Accessed July 7, 2015.Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA). Results from the 2013 National Survey on Drug Use and Health: Summary of National Findings. Rockville, MD: Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration 2014. HHS Publication No. (SMA) 144863. NSDUH Series H48.Thomas H. A community survey of adverse effects of cannabis use. Drug Alcohol Depend. 199642(3):201207.Thun MJ, Carter BD, Feskanich D, et al. 50year trends in smokingrelated mortality in the United States. N Engl J Med. 2013368(4):351364.Torres OV, ODell LE. Stress is a principal factor that promotes tobacco use in females published online ahead of print April 22, 2015. Prog Neuropsychopharmacol Biol Psychiatry.Tseng AH, Craft RM. Sex differences in antinociceptive and motoric effects of cannabinoids. Eur J Pharmacol. 2001430(1):4147.Verheyden SL, Hadfield J, Calin T, Curran HV. Subacute effects of MDMA (3,4methylenedioxymethamphetamine, ecstasy) on mood: evidence of gender differences. Psychopharmacology (Berl). 2002161(1):2331.Wiley JL. Sexdependent effects of 9tetrahydrocannabinol on locomotor activity in mice. Neurosci Lett. 2003352(2):7780.Winsauer PJ, Daniel JM, Filipeanu CM, et al. Longterm behavioral and pharmacodynamics effects of delta9tetrahydrocannabinol in female rats depend on ovarian hormone status. Addict Biol. 201116(1):6481.Zweben JE, Cohen JB, Christian D, et al. Psychiatric symptoms in methamphetamine users. Am J Addict. 200413(2):181190.This page was last updated September 2016Contents
adminThe next group was the LLs the lowered libidos who also represented 12 of the total.These women had totally given up on sex, or were simply complying with their husbands or partners demands. Most of them were married, and most of the rest were divorced the only thing that they all had in common was that they had had a lowered libido since going through the menopause.Gail Sheehy In PersonThis group dont do anything about it, they dont even find the motivation to take hormone replacement therapy or vaginal estrogen and they rarely enjoy masturbation or introduce a novelty into their marriages. Once again, like the SQs, they put very little energy into seeking any change in their situation.Sheehy makes the point that these categories are not fixed, in the sense that we can move between different categories at different points in our lives, a fact which might be encouraging for women who feel stuck in a situation that seems suffocating and prevents them from growing.One of the things that comes across again and again in her book is that women over 50 who make the leap out of a dead or dying relationship whether propelled by desperation or by desire say that they are having the best sex of their lives.Its fascinating how a point in the development of a womans life which has traditionally been regarded as the end of her sexually active period can in fact be precisely the opposite and lead to exuberant, joyous sex which provides more fulfilment than ever before.But of course the question is, whats actually necessary to achieve this? Is good health essential, or financial independence? Do you need to be an optimistic personality to attract a mate who wants to enjoy sex with you? Or is it about your luck?The answer is that whatever situation youre in at the moment, whether married or divorced, whether living with a partner where sex is dull or indeed completely nonexistent, this is the time at which you have to do something to achieve a more passionate life, and that might mean making some important choices.So the questions that you might need to ask yourself include:Who am I now that Ive reached maturity?What do I see as the benefits of middle age?What do I see as the threats and opportunities of growing old?Do I have a passionate interest in something that sustains me?How is my present life partner supporting me or frustrating the achievement of my objectives?Am I still sexually desirable?Am I still sexually active?How long do I believe Im actually going to live?And how am I going to live the years that remain for me?Do I want to spend the rest of my life in a marriage or enjoying casual relationships?And, perhaps above all, what will be spiritually fulfilling to me?In some sense passion is the thing that drives every aspect of human life. That doesnt necessarily mean sexual passion, it just means passion in the sense of a fervent desire to pursue something you can pour all of your energies into. Finding something you love to do is essential for your spiritual fulfilment.And its not just about having a hobby that you enjoy: its about finding something that actually generates excitement and exhilaration as well commitment to your own future. Gail Sheehy talks about reaching back into your own adolescence to find the dream that slipped past you without your noticing it go by. What was that idea, that dream, the thing that motivated you, that you always wanted to achieve or to do?(I dont agree with this. What motivates you in midlife can be very different than what motivated you earlier in life, but its not a bad way of starting to identify what your passion might be in the years ahead. But its true that a life without purpose is a spiritually empty life. And there is a fundamental link between finding the passionate pursuit that will enliven the second half of your life, and reopening the doorway to sexual pleasure, real intimacy, and companionship.)The most profound aspect of this philosophy is the belief that the object is to reach mature love and a sense of meaning and purpose that lasts until the end of your life. Gail Sheehy also claims that the third thread of the passionate life is spiritual exploration: meditation, prayer, yoga indeed anything that leads to a deeper understanding of your place in relationship to the world could be seen as a spiritual pastime. What to make of this?For those who have come here looking for advice on how to be sexier after 50, talk about spiritual pastimes and a meaningful purpose in life may be somewhat overwhelming.I dont believe that its actually necessary for somebody to have an overarching spiritual sense to rekindle their sexual desire, nor do I believe its essential to have a purpose in life to be happy: I think life can be lived perfectly well in the absence of deep spiritual fulfillment as long as there are plenty of small but meaningful episodes in everyday life that sustain you spiritually. Indeed, the principle behind all of this website is that great sex within the context of a good life is easily achievable for everyone, at all ages.But I agree that if you have a spiritual sense, or your life is graced by a sense of spiritual purpose, then its possible to reach deeper levels of intimacy and connection with your partner during sex.On a simple and practical level, its worth quoting what one of Sheehys interviewees said: The more a woman enjoys whatever activity she is doing, the more she radiates joy and energy for life. This acts as a beacon that attracts people, including possible life companions.Its quite clear, however, that many people entering midlife feel the need for a change: a change in relationship, perhaps from one that lacks intimacy, companionship and sex to one that will provide more nurturing for the soul perhaps a seeking out of a spiritually fulfilling occupation or community (or even a hobby or pastime that nurtures one in this way) or a change in the level and frequency of sex and the persons with whom you enjoy it.A life lived passionately is likely to be a life in which the enjoyment of sex features predominantly. But what if your libido is low, you feel low little or no interest in sex, or, even worse, you feel that the possibility of sex has diminished so much that youre not even interested whether you ever make love again or not?Happily, there are some very clear answers to these questions and well be dealing with them in specific detail later on. That includes the issue of low sex drive for women, low sex drive for men, and unequal sex drive within a couples relationship.Gail Sheehy talks of the five phases of a passionate existence in midlife.Phase 1 The Romantic RenaissanceShe describes it as a period in which something or somebody reawakens your senses, both sensual and emotional, and you rediscover the power and excitement of the romance of the new.This is indeed the power and passion that you experienced in your youth with your first young love a type of personal energy which can serve to remind you that youre still a sexual woman. (For a longmarried couple who are still together and wish to stay that way, the romance of the new can be sparked in unexpected ways, such as the first holiday they have together after the departure of the last child from the family home).In the context of a personal relationship, or a new dream, or a new spiritual focus, the excitement and romance of the new can propel woman towards a new and passionate life. When youre in this phase you live completely in the moment, escaping worries about the future and untouched by the emotional consequences of the past.In terms of romantic and sexual relationships, the romantic renaissance is often a short lived affair, but it can serve to bring you back in touch with the sexual side of your being.Given the opportunity to seize a chance to reconnect with sexual energy, many people in midlife have taken what another man or woman has to offer, even when they know that the person is not a suitable longterm mate or partner.Such sex is a wonderful gift from another person and doesnt provide just fantastic sex or even just a reawakening of the spirit it can reawakened the soul to the glories of life. You can part without regrets, holding only fond memories and gratitude for the experience youve had. Many women and men who begin dating again in midlife will find a partner who gives them the gift of great sex and new sexual skills, helping them to move on in their search for a new existence.Phase 2: Learning to be alone with your new self.For women whove spent all of their lives looking after others, or feeling dependent on a husband, partner, job, place or other person, it may be hard to live alone and be content with that.But its essential that a woman knows how to be alone without feeling abandoned before she leaves the structure of her current life to search for something new.The pain of loss and abandonment can be considerable, as many women who have been divorced and left to fend for themselves by husbands who have searched out younger partners can testify.But this doesnt need to happen. By using a series of exercises which help you to shed any inappropriate and outmoded rules and regulations that have governed your life up till now, you can change the beliefs which underpin your philosophy of life.And by gaining the social skills you may need to acquire to strike out independently in the world, youll move beyond projecting desperation into a level of satisfaction with your own company which is likely to give you the opportunity for personal growth as well as widening your imagination about the realm of the future possibilities that lie ahead of you.Phase 3 : The boldness to dream.Sheehy quotes Goethe, who wrote: Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. It is simply time to strike out with the dream of passion, whether in a sexual or personal sense.Phase 4: Soul SeekingThis describes the dramatic change in needs which can occur for somebody in their 50s. Certainly, the shadow of death lies ahead of us death being the one certainty for all of us and this means people may change their priorities, they may look towards the light of faith, or they may become more spiritual in some very personal way.A person who doesnt go through this fundamental change in philosophy or spirituality is likely to remain unfulfilled or uncertain as they move through life, and may perhaps fear death when it approaches.One of the best antidote is to the anxiety of later middle age to have a deep and meaningful connection with another person, sometimes from a marriage that began years ago and has grown steadily as times have gone by, and sometimes from a new start in midlife. This can occur when a person knows deep in their souls that what they have is not enough and they need to seek more.Of course, new connections can be found in all kinds of places: within a reinvigorated marriage or existing relationship, with a lover outside marriage, within a romantic friendship, and even with a samesex partner. You might relight the fires of passion for an old flame or friend, or begin a new relationship.Every story is individual and there are potentially as many variations on the theme as there are individuals in the world! Nonetheless, were all made of the same genetic and biological material, and fundamentally we all have the same developmental stages.and need for support, love and spiritual fulfillment, whatever that means for you.Phase 5: Graduating to mature loveWhich Sheehy describes as the gold at the end of life. For those who are able to incorporate their passion and their dream with the practical matters of living, there should be greater confidence, fulfilment, and selfacceptance than at any other point in life.A broader view of life in the short time you have left to live can be a catalyst for the growth of wider love, a form of love that is expressed through giving to community and loving others outside relationship, friends or family a love shown through your actions which might include giving creatively, or philosophically, or through some kind of activism for a cause that you espouse. Its a phase of life in which your goals are realigned and you think about what you will leave behind when youve gone.This is still underpinned by passion, a passion which may spread into love for and with another human being.
February 22, 2013Emily Heist Moss hasnt had to pursue men online because its one area where men still do all the asking. But thats about to change.I tell all my single girlfriends to give online dating a try. Why not? I say, whats the worst that could happen? You set up a profile, pick some cute photos, write something witty about the things that you love (Beyonce, Hillary Clinton, Battlestar Galactica), list some books you like, and then sit back, kick your feet up, and wait for the messages to roll in. Your inbox will fill with notes from 19yearolds in the burbs, 40somethings who find your taste in music refreshing, addled idiots writing id fck u, and a handful of ageappropriate, nicelooking guys who can string some sentences together and like to cook. With those, you will send a few messages back and forth before he invites you for a drink. You will put on some mascara, plunge out into the snow, meet a stranger, and after an hour of slightly stilted conversation, he will grab the check. You will try to split it, but he will pay, and you will stand to rewrap yourself against the frigid wind. You will part ways, and you will probably, almost certainly, begin again the next day with another Hey there message from the next contender.I tell all my single guy friends to watch out for online dating. It is a sad, soulcrushing place where good guys go to die a slow death by way of ignored messages and empty inboxes. You will peruse profiles and find a few women who arent posing in a bathroom with their stomachs exposed. You will look for things in common in their profile (they like Scrabble too!). You will send them a note, carefully crafted to show interest and attention to detail. The first seven will not respond. The next one will, but she spells you as u and you will let the conversation stall. Finally, one of the cool girls writes back, and you will banter a bit, swapping favorite restaurants or concert venues. You will ask her to meet up in real life. At the bar, you will chat nervously for an hour (she is not as pretty or as funny as you had hoped shed be), and then you will be saddled with the 27 check even though she ate most of the sweet potato fries. She will offer to split, but you think she doesnt mean it and you dont want to be a jerk. You will march home to an empty inbox and the desire to spend another hour browsing and writing will start to fade.You might think online dating would create some muchneeded fairness between the sexes. In the realm of hetero courtship, tradition still reigns supreme. The Internet could be the great democratizer, the great playing fieldleveler. After all, we each have only the 500word text boxes and crappy jpegs and clever (not so clever) user names to show for ourselves. Anyone can message anyone about anything. Maybe in this environment where we are safely sequestered behind screens, we can get past some of the lingering genderbased rules that dominate the How to Catch a Man playbooks of yore. Maybe instead we can learn to treat each other as equal players of a very silly game that we all secretly take quite seriously. Wouldnt that be nice?But it seems quite clear to me that were not there yet. Im partly to blame, and you probably are too. Im a feminist, sexpositive 21st century lady whose photos include me posing in a Rosie the Riveter Halloween costume. I write about gender on the Internet for crying out loud! But every day, when I log into the dating site of my choice, I play the passive role, the receiver of attention, the awaiter of messages. I go to my inbox and see who wants to talk to me and then I choose to whom Ill respond. Sometimes I send a thanks but no thanks to particularly sweet messages, but usually Im so overwhelmed by the new things to read and the new choices in front of me that I ignore those nice guys too. Basically, I act like an entitled jerk who can pull puppet strings and make OkCupid dance for me however I please.This is not the behavior I would expect of a feminist, sexpositive 21st century lady. Its not behavior Im particularly proud of either. Why dont I write messages first? Why dont I reach out to the dudes with the funny handles and good taste in books, the ones who post pictures with goofy faces and like tacos almost as much as I like tacos? Why do I not respond politely to every message, even the ones Im not interested in? Why do I alternate between playing the damsel and the playing the demanding entitled ahole? Because its just so easy.Ugh. Im embarrassed to have written that. I wish the evidence pointed to something else, something egalitarian and modern, but when I get real with my own online dating M.O., its the truth. Ive sent messages to guys before, sure, but the ratio is small. Ten to one? Twenty to one? Once in a blue moon? I dont have to, and so I dont make myself go through the scary exercise of asking for consideration and possibly being rejected or ignored. Why would I put myself through the rollercoaster of the drafting, the editing, the sending, the waiting, the hoping, the checking, and the sighing in disappointment when the fact of my gender (and lets be real thats really all it is) means the attention comes to me? This is not how I want this work, but I condone it with my inaction.Once we make it out of the safe cocoon of the Internet and into the real world Im better about aligning my actions with my values. Out here, at a bar or restaurant, I work really hard to make sure that you know we are equals participating in a traditionally unequal transaction. You dont order my wine and we split the check because we are peers. Why should you buy my food? I have a job, you have a job, were all on a budget, and I did eat most of the sweet potato fries! Down the line, we can trade off and treat each other and enjoy the security in knowing there will be a next time, but for now, we both walked blindly into the same bar, so lets walk out having equally invested in the last hour. Why cant I apply this equal investment attitude to the getting of dates and not just the paying for dates?Its a little too far past January 1st to call this a New Years Resolution, but Ive decided to make a change. I do not want to be a passive participant in my romantic life. I do not want my dating choices to be limited to the guys who are still optimistic enough to send a message I might miss some good ones who are just tired of being ignored and I cant blame them. Id get tired of that too.I asked above why I should bother to get on the rollercoaster ride of being the asker instead of the askee, and I think the reason its worth trying is the reason its worth trying many things that make you uncomfortable empathy. Many times in my writing I ask men to try to understand how women feel out in the world , to take a walk in their shoes, to try on a different perspective to understand their own privilege. I believe exercising those empathy muscles is what helps us be better, kinder human beings, but its not fair of me to ask without trying to reciprocate.There is plenty of privilege to go around, and while I spend a lot of time thinking about the big things Im afforded due to my lucky draw, the little things I get are worth considering too. I hypothesize that it will feel shitty to spend time on a nice note and to be ignored, but I dont know, because I havent really tried. I think its about time I try to understand my digital privilege. Are you with me?Emily Heist Moss is a New Englander in love with Chicago, where she works in a tech startup. She blogs every day about gender, media, politics and sex at Rosie Says , and has written for Jezebel, The Frisky, The Huffington Post and The Good Men Project. Find her on Facebook and Twitter .Related Links:
On 12918 at 10:58 AMShareWorld Indonesia ShariaA group of transgender women had their heads forcibly shaved and were forced to wear mens clothing after several beauty salons were raided Sunday in IndonesiasAceh province.The women wereto be held for three days in custody and be coached to behave like real men, officials from Acehs Sharia police told local media . Local police called the raids on the beauty salons Operation Anti Moral Illness and said they were launched because neighbors had complained that the transgender women were having a negative influence on their children. The police also forced the women to declarethey were no longer waria,the local word used to describe transgender people, and made them run and chant until their male voices came out.Indonesia has the largest Muslim population of any country in the world, andAceh is t he only Indonesian province currently ruled by Sharia law. It isntillegal to be transgender, but gay sex is illegal under thelaw. Human rights groups condemned Sundays crackdown, saying the women arrested had not done anything criminal.Keep up with this story and more by subscribing nowThe North Aceh police should immediately and unconditionally release the 12 trans women. Acehs criminal code criminalizes samesex relations, and thats a discriminatory regulation. But those 12 individuals were just working inside their hair salonstheyre not having sex, Andrea Harsono, representative of Human Rights Watch in Indonesia, told Newsweek.Harsono said the Aceh provincial police should investigate the officer who arrested the women because he may have breached internal police procedure during the arrest. The police officer who led the arrest has vowed to organize more antiLGBTraids in the area.Most of Indonesia is governed by a criminal code left over by Dutch colonialists. The countrysparliament is currently drafting revisions to the national criminal code that would ban all sex outsidemarriage, even if it is consensual, heterosexual sex. Some activistssaid the revisions would be especially dangerous for Indonesias LGBTcommunity.Acehushered in Sharia law after it gained autonomy in 2001. About 98 percent of itspopulation is Muslim.
25Why the problem might be even worseThe Times and Morning Consult started with a widely used survey of harassment of women at work, the Sexual Experiences Questionnaire. With help from Professors Fitzgerald, Pryor and Magley, the questions were adjusted to ask about peoples actions, instead of their possible experiences as victims.Polls asking people to selfreport bad behavior are inherently challenging. To ensure that responses were as accurate as possible, respondents were promised confidentiality, and questions about harassing behaviors were mixed among less sensitive ones, about topics like using Facebook at work or commuting by bike.Research suggests that online surveys, as this one was, may be more likely to elicit socially undesirable opinions than surveys that reach people in other ways. But a separate telephone survey of 500 men that included several of the core questions found very similar rates of reported behavior. (That survey was conducted for The Times by SSRS of Glen Mills, Pa.)A third approach to determine the prevalence of possible sexual harassment was to ask men and women not about their own behavior but about that of their colleagues. Those results were generally within a few percentage points of the selfreported ones.There are reasons to doubt the absolute numbers from these surveys. Misreporting might make the numbers too low. Counting harmless actions might make them too high.In separate, smaller surveys, women were only somewhat less likely than men to admit to harassing behavior, even though men, in polls and in formal complaints , are far less likely to say theyve been sexually harassed. It could be that men and women see the same behavior in different ways.What women sayWorkplace harassment may be decreasing. In surveys of federal government employees , the percentage of women who said they had experienced one of eight harassing behaviors in the last two years was 18 percent, less than half the percentage it was in 1994.Still, harassment is widespread in American workplaces. And perhaps most notably, culprits are not restricted to the bad actors themselves, but include the climates created by their coworkers and supervisors.Studies that ask about specific behaviors instead of general questions tend to find greater prevalence of harassment, as do studies that ask about longer time periods.Professor Fitzgerald emphasized the role that companies play, and the ability of perpetrators, especially those who arent famous, to deny any allegations and walk away unscathed.Lets look at all the other parts that are at play here, she said. In addition to the victim, lets look at the accused. Lets look at the work group. Lets look at the supervisor what happens is all the responsibility is put on her to report it. Until we take the focus off the victim, were not going to get any farther ahead than where we are now.Morning Consult conducted online surveys from Nov. 27 to Dec. 4 with 615 men who work full time. About 2 percent chose dont know on each sexual harassment question. (About the same percentage chose that response on questions about other workplace behaviors like participating in company volunteer events.) Questions appeared in a random order. We tried to exclude men who might not have been paying close attention.The sexual coercion question reflects answers to four different questions: In the last year at work, have you hinted to someone that he or she might be rewarded for engaging in sexual behavior? Hinted that there might be retaliation of some form if someone was not being sexually cooperative? Treated someone badly for refusing to engage in sexual activities with you? Implied better treatment if someone were sexually cooperative?Morning Consult also surveyed 354 men and 299 women from Dec. 19 to Dec. 21 about their colleagues.SSRS conducted telephone interviews from Dec. 6 to Dec. 17 with 488 employed men and weighted those interviews to represent men who work at least 35 hours a week. The telephone interviews included questions about jokes or stories (23 percent said at least once), materials (8 percent ), gestures (7 percent), and requests for dates after someone said no (3 percent).The online and phone surveys took place across three weeks from late November to midDecember, on days when sexual harassment dominated the news and on days when it did not. The results were about the same for each of those weeks.Additional work by Derek Watkins and Amanda CoxMore on NYTimes.com
Ask a Guy: When a Guy Withdraws After Sexby Eric CharlesTweetIve been dating a guy who I have known for a while for a month. The dates have all been amazing, we have so many core values, beliefs, and lifestyle aspects in common.However, the part where he have sex and he withdraws happened. Ive been totally cool about it, giving him all the space in the world, no calls, texts, emails. My Facebook page (which I know he looks at) makes it clear Ive been out with friends, at events, and that good work things are happening.My questions are: Is ANY contact okay during this withdrawal, or is all contact off limits for a while (the Rules say it is)? How long do I give the withdraw period before realizing he doesnt want to take things further? Is there anything a girl can do, apart from knowing that the guy would be crazy to not want her and continue to have an awesome life? And is there any other form of encouragement we can provide that lets him know we are interested in him, but not sitting around helplessly?First, its a huge mistake to look at relationships like some sort of game where there are rules to follow and a strategic ways to respond to specific situations.It sounds like you want your relationship with the guy to progress and you read somewhere that guys lose interest after sex, and now youre freaking out because of receiving either bad advice, or misconstruing the advice you got.Let me make this simple for youGuys want to capture a prize . And yeah, of course guys want sex, so if you think that sex is the only bargaining chip you have then you will always feel paranoid about men using you.Think about it do you honestly think that men choose a woman for their one exclusive relationship just for sex ? Of all the sex with all the women out there they could be having do you really think its just about sex for a man to make his choice?I would have to imagine youd answer: Definitely not.OK then, if thats the case then the sex is a nonissue. Frankly, if you have a pulse, youre going to have sex with the guy sooner or later. So really, since its inevitable, the real concern is finding the something more that goes beyond just the sex.QUIZ: Is He Losing Interest In You?Listen, when you inspire a man to see you as a confident , fulfilled woman with plenty to offer other than physical pleasure, he doesnt treat you like an option. He pursues you with hunger and drive.When you have the mentality that you have one bargaining chip (sex) and that you should hold out because it will magically generate interest, youre viewing sex as your one and only asset.If a guy isnt all that into you, but knows youll give it up on date 3, hell stick around long enough to get some booty then leave. His thought process is most likely, Well, I wasted this much time with her might as well cash in on the obligatory third date sex.My point here is that if you want to win with this guy (or men in general), you have to view yourself as a prize to be won as a whole. Not just your sex. You need to see yourself as the proverbial Goddess on Earth, a spectacle to behold a woman that has that certain extra something that makes you rare and unlike the rest.People are entranced and captivated by someone who has an air of excitement, adventure and pleasure to them. While it can seem like men only want physical pleasure, what most really crave is a woman who reaches them on a deep and profound level.Going back to the whole issue of giving a guy space. First, keep in mind that if your mindset is needy towards the guy or relationship, the amount of time thats passed wont really matter.But I mean if he went from constant texting to now a full week going by with nothing, then go ahead and text him.